Michael Deacon is a parliamentary commentator for the Daily telegraph, and writes amusing but perceptive sketches about what goes on in Parliament; he also writes a TV columns and today he has excelled himself commenting on ‘The Great British Bake-Off’ a TV cookery show.
Judges on talent shows are meant to be scary, but Paul Hollywood of The Great British Bake Off (Tuesday, BBC Two) is scary in an unusual way. He’s scary not because of what he says, but because of what he does.
And what he does, a disconcerting amount of the time, is glower. When he and his fellow judge, Mary Berry,go round the kitchen to ask contestants how they’re getting on, note how often the camera cuts away to show a motionless Paul, silently glowering at them. A contestant will be talking to him, and instead of murmuring “Mmm” or “Right” or “Yeah” or “Great”, Paul just goes on glowering, with his cold, hungry, unblinking eyes. Which, to the contestants, must feel unnerving, given how big and burly he is.
Even when he talks he glowers at them. It’s as if he’s weighing up not the cakes but the contestants. But for what? Having analysed the matter at length, replaying footage and interviewing experts in body language, I’ve arrived at the only satisfactory explanation for Paul’s behaviour. Namely, that he isn’t a human being at all, but a skilfully disguised bear. To him, the people anxiously manhandling the pastry bags aren’t contestants. They’re dinner.
And when – silent, motionless, unblinking – he glowers at them, he’s thinking, “Man look tasty. Big fat man. Plenty meat. Paul enjoy eat big fat man. But too many other men watch. Attack now, cover blown. Zookeeper come and catch Paul, put Paul back in cage. Paul not want go back cage. Paul bide time. Paul strike later, after eliminate big fat man from baking contest.”
And so, as night falls, and the eliminated contestant waits in the desolate car park for his cab, a huge hairy paw reaches out of the darkness, and the contestant is never seen again.
Lois Elsden 