What is your experience of having a pet? Reg’s thoughts on the matter…

What-ho, fans, Reg here! Old Grumps is busy, just for a minute she says. Well, I know what her minute is, it’s more time than it takes to get to the beach, have a sniff, have a dig, eat something she says is disgusting and get home.  She said ‘I’m just writing about my experience of having a pet,’ she said. I have no idea what she means but she gave me some chewy chicken wrapped in cod skin and asked me what i thought about that then. She actually said ‘what do you think about that then, Reg, what do you think about that, eh? Who’s a good little boy, who’s a very good little boy then, who’s going to go on a nice walkie in a minute, then? I tried to look winning and she gave me a pat and a biscuit. I actually thought having a free bit of chicken wrapped in cod skin was only what I deserved but I don’t think she meant that.

It shouldn’t take her long to do whatever it is, her experience of having me has been magnificent, a wonder, a fabulous affair. To be honest though, chums, she doesn’t seem to fully appreciate me and my amazing talents. If I had a doggy choc for every time she says ‘oh Reg that is disgusting’, or ‘for goodness sake, Reggie, don’t do that‘, then she’d soon be putting me on a diet. So let me just run through some of what makes her experience of having me in her life such a unique and wondrous thing..

First of all I am fabulous, and she’s lucky to be living with me. I am handsome, charming and fearless – ok so I think that person dressed in red who comes and rattles the metal box on the front door is actually out to get me, but I am only defending the property when I see them off with my magnificent repertoire of slavering growls, teeth baring and general writhing.

Secondly I am extremely handsome, everyone we meet says so. I’m not that impressed that so many of them think I’m a bitch but their adoring remarks makes up for them being short-sighted.

Next, she is so easily pleased and astounded at me doing the simplest things. Shake paw – oh you’re such a clever boy, well done!! Lie down, good boy Reg you’re such a good doggie.!!  One of the best things is when they put treats under something and I have to find them. Sometimes I pretend it’s more tricky than it is, and she’s almost in ecstasy over that; I sometimes get an extra treat when I’ve found the last thing which I’ve been pretending was so complicated to get out of the sock or whatever.

She’s actually quite lazy so my taking her out for walks is all for her own good. Then she has the nerve to complain if it starts to rain, the wind blows, she steps in a puddle with leaky boots, or I find something deliciously aromatic on the beach. She actually ought to be jolly grateful.

I have the most amazing nose. I can detect a fox at a thousand yards – dad sometimes says about a thousand yard stare, well I have a thousand yard sniff. I really think she ought to be more grateful and show me some respect for letting the whole house know there’s a fox about. All they do is moan about me barking. On the other hand they do give me treats to be quiet; dad says she’s rewarding me for making a racket, well so she jolly well should! It’s always important to know when there’s a fox outside.

The above is only scratching the surface of the huge debt of gratitude they owe me for coming into their lives. They are quite nice I guess, and I do have to say Old Grumps does give amazing massages, and they do give me a nice selection of treats.

Well, chums, that’s all for now, toodlepip, or as we say back home mult noroc!!

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